Reflections after chapter 60

[cal1pso]

Sai was Hikaru's other half, his soulmate, his most cherished person*, but he didn't realize this until he was gone. 

Until the last moment, Sai was trying to find a reason to stay, he was clinging for dear life  and it was not enough 

He said goodbye but Hikaru didn't hear him

Hikaru never told Sai that he was loved 

They couldn't finish their game and he's gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone go- 

... 

The worst kind of nostalgia is longing for something that never happened. I wonder what keeps Hikaru awake at night 

Sai is gone but he is still here, he's no longer a ghost but he'll haunt Hikaru for the rest of his life. He's gone but they're bonded for life because Hikaru loved him and that's why it hurts so much, the scars his absence left will never stop hurting, but that only means that he existed, that he mattered to someone

Because he was loved, even if Hikaru only realized it when he could no longer say it. 

*I think this is the first time i found a non-CLAMP fandom in where 'most cherished person'/'most important person' is the best way to describe a relationship between two characters 

Hikaru loved Sai. It doesn't matter what kind of love it was, but it was true and beautiful and it HURTS  

Because living without your most important person is nothing short of torture.

Comments

[lessonsinescapology]

I was following the manga back then and wow. I was so shocked and then angry at that scene XD

The whole thing between Sai and Hikaru is like this poem:

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: “It might have been!”

By John Greenleaf Whittier

[cal1pso]

My mother tells me always "'could have been' doesn't exist just what is and what isn't"

Why didn't you take Sai to see Torajiro's grave before? Why didn't you let him play more? Why didn't you tell him that you loved him?

Because you thought you had all the time in the world and woke up one day realizing that it had ran out before your eyes. Like sand it disappeared in between your fingers and only regrets are left

These regrets haunt you forever and he's just 14

I'm sad

[lessonsinescapology]

Your mother is being too rational XD

A kid wouldn't understand or accept it. Hikaru was very young and Sai was emotionally immature too. I think he was only 26 or so when he died and he'd spent all his life just playing Go.

[cal1pso]

She's full of regrets and doesn't want me to make the same mistakes as her so I understand :')

I thought Sai was like, 20 or younger. He acts too young. That's why is so tragic, at the end even if they made mistakes it was not their fault, they were too young to know any better

[lessonsinescapology]

There are some things a person has to go through themselves to learn unfortunately.

Sai was a geek XD There was this meta speculating on Sai's family background and life. He wasn't the first son of his family at least or they'd never let him waste his life by playing Go.

I wouldn't say it was a mistake really. More like that was the time they had together in this life.

[cal1pso]

Sai DOES act like a youngest brother haha, sometimes it seems like Hikaru is doting on a spoiled baby bro

Mayhaps there was nothing they could have done to postpone their goodbye, but they could have done a lot more so that their last meeting hadn't end in such a sour note. A bit of closure

[lessonsinescapology]

There's always fanfic to correct everything!

Maybe I should re-watch the anime again....

[lessonsinescapology]

Agree that it doesn't have to be romantic love. Soul mate in asian cultures is more like your other half, the one who understands you most. A more recent example of Sai and Hikaru's relationship might be the pair from ORV.

[cal1pso]

I think, because of the nature of their relationship, its very difficult to put a label to it? It's definitely much more than a simple friendship or familial love or even romantic love

They were friends, they were brothers, they were the same, they were confidents, they were each other's support, they didn't really knew each other and were too self absorbed to learn, they didn't want to get separated but they did

A part of Hikaru died with Sai

[lessonsinescapology]

Not everything needs a precise label. I'd say Sai was one of the most important people in Hikaru's life.

[tuulentupa]

(if you were late to the fandom I'm kinda late with my comments here but whatever... ^^;;)
This part was just so... painfully real. I know Sai's already dead, but still this was a death, and it came like death so often comes, without a warning or any regard for things that are left unfinished. (Well, Sai did have his premonitions, of course... but still.) I'm still impressed at how beautifully Hikaru no go depicts the pain of loss. It hits as hard now as it did, I don't know, 15 or so years ago when I first read this.

[cal1pso]

Dont worry, I like to have the void scream back sometimes, please keep commenting, I appreciate it very much!
Sai was dead but he was also so lively! You can really feel his abscence :c it didn't feel like he was dead because he was *there*, until he wasn't
I think the lack of closure is the most painful part to me, Hikaru will probably think on every mean thing he said to Sai, forever.
I felt Hikaru's pain, and he, seems to have very bad coping mechanisms :s he was NOT okay by the time the anime ended